Omar Is An Asshole

Please... bear with us.... As far-fetched as this may seem, this is a true story. Names have not been changed to protect the innocent... for there are no innocents in this tale....

The Second Annual Hermosa Beach Memorial Day Weekend Bash at the Sea Sprite Motel began around 4 a.m. Thursday morning (May 25, 2000) when Matt (Back-up Matt) finally arrived at Robyn's apartment in Redondo Beach. Within a few short hours, Andi & Lana and Simon & Kirstin were checking in at the Sea Sprite Motel, just a-waiting for the good times to roll....

Drinks were to be had (mimosas for the girls... whatever the boys could grab), hugs exchanged (more drinks for guys & gals), and then it was off (& not to the races but on yonder to frozen pond) to watch the Dallas Stars (Cowboys From Hell???) face off against the Colorado Avalanche for Game 6 of the N.H.L. Stanley Cup Western Division Playoffs at Sharkeez, a club just between Hermosa Avenue and the Boardwalk, between 9th and 10th Avenues....

And thus! (how cruel? will we ever know?) twas that fate was averted--but only once!--this very evening....

Begin dream sequence...

.... Once upon a very long time ago... there were a buncha guys who wanted to be rock stars, and during their stints as "Jimmy Pages" & "Chris Squires" (usually seen associating with "Robert Plants" & "John Bonhams") they ran across an up-and-coming teenie-bop "Neil Peart" wanna-be....

And it is written how Dave "Neil Peart" Willyard (The Lost One) came to join "the gang."

.... Once, just around four years back... The Lost One left Dallas, bidding his friends 'au revoir' (which we know means "see you in hell, bastards!" and not "see you again"), going to California (with an aching in his what ???)... straight to San Francisco (Castro Street, perhaps?). Unfortunately, we were afraid that "straight" was not the correct word....

And it is written how Dave "Neil Peart" Willyard (The Lost One) came to leave "the gang."

End dream sequence...

Because Matt & Simon were "showing their colors" (in El Lay street parlance, that would be wearing your team's jersey), the prick at the front door refused us entry. AHA!!! Not to be thwarted, we dashed down to Hermosa Avenue, screeched a quick left (past sushi, past shirts) and into the Shark's Cove (no relation to aforementioned lame-ass bar) where the good folks treated us like the "fucking tourists" we were....

And the Stars lost....

FUCK!!!

And so we walked back (rather dejectedly) to the Sea Sprite Motel, where we would shortly lift our spirits with amber & clear spirits....

We were mere seconds (50 yards or less, maybe?) from our cozy motel room when a voice did penetrate the crash of surf....

"Simon Martin?"

Our anti-hero walks towards the green SUV (a ricer, at that) and leers at the driver: blond & stupid looking (and since there was no sign of tits, identification = dude).... Recognition is iffy, but recognition is recognized by the recognized drunk bits of the brain.... And then a glance at he who fills the passenger's seat....

"HOLYFUCKINGSHITNOFUCKINGWAY!!!"

Tis true... but that seat held the still-firm buttocks of one Dave "Neil Peart" Willyard....

"HOLYFUCKINGSHITNOFUCKINGWAY!!!"

And thus! (how cruel? oh yes... do we ever know that now) twas that fate was met head on in a most James Dean-quaking crash that forever will be known as "the moment"... and not just by us... but by all mankind (thank you, McKenna--RIP, 2012... still? yes?) -- yes! this once!--this very evening....

So the evening was spent in much reverie and disbelief and someone's amazement that "Dave's not a fag;" "Dave didn't spend time in bathhouses on all fours"... etcetera, etcetera....

Within minutes of this marvelous reunification of "the now-confirmed non-fag" and "the heterosexual gang," our hero (The Lost One) had phoned his fiancee (please notice the use of two "e's")... and within the hour (this is strictly for the Hollwood version of this script--too bad John Holmes is dead, says Simon) his fiancee (one Heather) was on an aeroplane from San Jose to visit her fiance's long lost buds....

Seriously....

And the weekend was just beginning....